So I turned in my application and wasted the entire weekend before the demo. I was going back and forth my options, which were pretty easy to figure out: do it or not. But I was having such a hard time. Monday afternoon Ma'am Mateo texted me. She found out I applied and reminded me about the demo the next day. I didn't reply because I honestly didn't know what to do. Minutes later I got a phone call from DSS. Ate Julie 1 asked why I didn't reply to the text, and if I was indeed going to see them on Tuesday.
In every person's life there is at least one vulnerable moment. This was mine. I said yes. And from that moment on until 1 pm Tuesday, I was a total wreck.
I sometimes wonder why I freak out so bad when things like this happen. By things I mean those that I've wished for, my deepest desires. Grace said it's like jumping off a cliff; just look at the sunset and do it. For me it's like standing at the edge of a cliff, you don't know if you should jump or not.
The thing with dreams is that sometimes you just wish they don't come true, or don't have the potential for coming true. You'd rather keep them in that special place where everything is pure and golden. Reality bruises them and they die. I guess I was afraid to find out whether or not I could actually pull it off.
Shiva made sense, though, when she said she'd rather go through with it and find out if it works out. If it does, great. If it doesn't, then at least you know and you can move on, rather than waste your time on something that's probably not worth you time at all. There is always relief in knowing.
That thought gave me comfort, as I waited inside DSS the next day. It was a bummer right from the start; the two other applicants were extremely experienced, having taught for at least a decade. One was already a part-time teacher in UP who was basically going through the motions to become a full-time prof.
On the other hand, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. After all, I was there to live my dream, or at the very least to find out if I was meant for it. It was the worst and probably the best moment of my life thus far. I felt strangely calm.
And the teaching demo? Well, let's just say I've done better in my class reports.
I did a horrible job, honestly, and don't anyone try to convince me otherwise, because I was there, and I know. If I were an outsider watching it, I would have found it totally hilarious, embarrassing and endearing at the same time. This girl, young and naive, trying to be someone she's not prepared to be, looking both lost and reassured at the same time. Like that boy who sang Killing Me Softly in the movie/book About a Boy.
It was over as soon as it began. Sir Villegas didn't even ask any questions. Prof Sioco asked if I took up Dev Stud subjects. Ma'am Boncan asked if I was okay with teaching Philippine History. I stood there, trying to decipher their expressions. Not a clue. I thanked them, elaborately and from the bottom of my heart, and left.
What was a girl like me to do afterwards? Simple. I left the room, walked down the hall to the restroom, went inside a stall, slid down to the floor, and cried.
I cried because I was happy, depressed, content, frustrated, relieved, disappointed, thankful, grateful, jubilant. I cried because I had to empty out my soul, so I can fill it again.
It was complete surrender.
I had jumped off the cliff, just as Grace said. And in that moment I realized that, truly, there is nothing to lose. There is no shame, no blame. I know that my professors will still love me (hehe), and I will still believe in myself. I do not think that I am complete loser for messing up my demo. True, I wasn't happy with how I did it, but I was happy that I did it.
I wonder if they will call. But I'm not worried that they won't. Maybe I will be a teacher. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll try again in the future and do better. Maybe I'll realize that it wasn't what I wanted after all. Whatever happens now, it will happen perfectly, and because it was meant for me.
It's all good.
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